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Macaroni Dad

'Cause Dads Love Macaroni, Too!

August 29, 2014

Perchance To Dream

Here at the Macaroni household we keep the psychedelic and hallucinogenic drugs to a minimum. Yet lately we seem to have found something better...sleep deprivation.

Back when I was a young lad and before I met my current wife (AKA: the grim reaper of sleep) I used to crash for days. I would sleep and I would dream, and then I would wake up, get a drink of water, eat some food, use the potty and then go back to sleep. Within seconds of when my head hit the pillow, fuzzy yellow puppies would appear bounding through tall grass on a gently sloping hill and I would find myself in the middle of it all taking part in high speed chases, upside down helicopters stunts, hand grenades, fast cars, cartwheeling bikini models juggling chocolate donuts, complex orthopedic surgeries and ridiculous guitar solos....very soon, dreamland would quickly and gently overtake me, and it could last for a week. Imagine cooing babies, long haired kittens lapping milk and flying hand gliders through fluffy clouds made of chocolate pudding. Imagine complete immersion into an invigorating, complete, healing, restful, sleep - the kind of sleep that adds years to your life.

That fantasy life is a thing of the past. When you are married to the Queen of Macaroni in Saint Lucie and Martin Counties, life and slumber are altered accordingly. It even seems the Mini Mac is following closely in mama’s footsteps.

Lately, life in the Macaroni house seems a great deal like a scene from a Zombie apocalypse movie. There is grunting and groaning and people sitting up late at night staring at computer screens and then there are feet shuffling and more grunting and groaning. Sometimes there is a pause for sustenance. At some point in the middle of the night or slightly before the sun rises, the hunched over Macaroni creature crawls to the bed for a few hours and aims (rapidly) for rapid eye movement, but not before pillows are punched, covers are stolen and the bed is bounced approximately 500 times until a comfortable position can be negotiated. Then there is snoring and snorting and heavy breathing like that of a Bulldog or a Pug struggling to get air down the windpipe. Suddenly there is some movement and then a sore, rigid corpse sits up in bed...rising slowly as if from the dead. This is the Zombie walk of Mac Daddy. Then more zombie noises often accompanied by crackling, scratching, toe stubbing, walking into walls and more moaning, groaning and slow-foot shuffling. Perhaps it is that our bed feels like a medieval torture device or maybe it has to do with the work we do, but gentle, friendly slumber is not the easily found friend it once was.

The only thing that is advantageous is that when surviving on only a few hours of sleep, things that wouldn’t ordinarily be funny become hilarious. It is sort of like going to work in a strange pseudo-slumber and it is evident that the normal thought patterns are certainly missing some bricks. There must be some sort of kooky, giddy, goofy, silly sleep deprivation drug that floods our brains when we go too long without real sleep. There is also a moment of seeing strange things happen and pausing to consider if what is being observed is real or if it is a mental, sleep deprivation trick that our brains play on us.

Take today for example. This morning at 6 oh-something, on about 4 hours of sleep, I pulled myself to the edge of the bed lying next to the pillow punching, sickle-toenailed, Reaper of Sleep (Macaroni Wife) and listened to the quiet of the house before I brought myself to a mostly standing position (insert grumbling Zombie noises here). Knowing that the rest of the house was still sleeping, I went to the kitchen and quietly made a cup of coffee before heading back to the bathroom to shave. I immediately stopped what I was doing, turned off the water and perked my ears as I could swear that I heard water running and a little girl singing immediately outside the bathroom window. Odd I thought, but oddly entertaining as well. This sleep deprivation is the bomb! I thought perhaps I might still be dreaming or hearing things. Yet another serotonin molecule bombarding something in my brain stem and helping me experience life in La-La land -- this was going to be a fun day! I smirked and wondered if I was really even awake. But, I still heard singing...and...is it raining? Confused and curious I quietly unlocked the bathroom window to peer outside.

Was I still dreaming? What I saw was a beautiful little, long haired, 8 year old girl in boots and a night gown spraying a water hose directly into the air. She was soaked from head to toe and so were her boots. Her parents are really going to be upset I thought. She sang a song I didn’t recognize and spun around slowly in circles while the water droplets rained down on her. I was stupefied and mesmerized but continued to watch this sweet, little, completely preoccupied girl and the entire wonderful scene that played out before me in seemingly slow motion. I smiled, felt warm inside and was in awe at the innocence and the magic moment I was getting to witness...and then my brain finally caught up. The sleepy stupor burned off and the picture in front of me became clear...What the?!?!

“ALEX! Get in this house NOW!!”

 

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