Travel Contract...
Dearest wife, it’s almost time to load your beloved minivan (Countess Blackula) up to the gills in pillows, cotton balls, powders, lotions, dresses, glitter, high heels, hair brushes, things that sparkle, perfume and car chargers before we depart to the Northeast in what will most surely be a riveting family adventure. There is nothing quite as exciting as journeying across the eastern seaboard of these beloved United States sharing one another’s company, in warmth, in love and in good spirits. Imagine if you will for a moment our forefathers setting out across uncharted territories with their covered wagons, horses, clothing, and their faith and family knowing little about the challenges and the perils lying ahead. This is going to be amazing and well behaved from start to finish...the rules of the road make it so.
Of course I love you sweet wife and it goes without saying that I am rather fond of that long haired, honey badger, hell-spawn, banshee you call your daughter, but with that said - don’t think for one second I won’t set you both out on the side of the road if the cabin becomes boisterous, feministically- hostile and/or less than serene. I am still human - I will make sure you have a flushing toilet, a pillow, a blanket and a roll of quarters before I drive away.
I am the James T. Kirk of this automobile and with that power comes huge responsibility. At no point can you mess with a man’s vehicular feng shui while he is driving a machine on the open road. (See: Mad Max, Smokey and the Bandit, Fast and the Furious, Gone in 60 Seconds, Transporter, Drive, Ghost Rider, Death Race 2000, Cannonball Run, Speed, and introducing, “The Man Who Went Koo-Koo and Left His Family on the Side of the Road Somewhere in Virginia”). The bond between man, gasoline, viscous fluid, machine and pavement is one that cannot be broken - It is sacred. It was formed in the heart of a dying star (with Thor’s hammer) and it is genetically a part of our psyche and our soul. It is this bond that gives me the right to escort passengers quickly and without question to the exits of the vehicle’s cabin if danger or a disregard for the rules becomes apparent. The alternative is that the Captain of the ship goes insane and puts everyone in danger... that just can’t happen.
Please note the example below:
Scenario #382: The seemingly innocent 8-year old asks daddy how far it is to the next potty and how many miles it is to their final destination and then says she is bored and thinks it is stupid that they couldn’t get on an airplane instead. Daddy answers for the 1000th time, grimaces slightly and pushes the gas pedal further to the floor until the lines in the middle of the road become one, trees become a blur, grass catches fire and other motoring cars are vaporized by the speed and the heat with which Countess Blackula burns down the pavement. At that point the hard working man’s spouse and or wife raises her voice to protest as their chariot approaches warp factor II. There is clearly a disapproving tone in her voice that doesn’t seem appreciative, loving and kind. The man behind the wheel digs his fingers into the dashboard, looks fondly at his wife, makes eye contact with his beloved for about 4 or 5 minutes and then drives their vehicle up a grass embankment launching the machine into a 4½ spin triple-lindy, super-loop completely jumping 516 cars, a river and a traffic jam before landing squarely on four tires on the edge of a cliff. The man then kisses his wife and daughter and steps out of the car before he does a swan dive off of the cliff into the murky waters below.
It was said years later that he was spotted with Alyssa Milano and moved into a red grape winery in the California foothills taking long relaxing walks with his yellow Labradors Mellow and Quaalude.
Don’t roll your eyes...it could happen.
Usually in life there are disagreements and challenges within any family and for that reason we have far reaches within the house. There are doors that slam and areas outside which can become a safe place in a heated disagreement or a moment of misunderstanding. Unfortunately.... no matter how much you aggravate and agitate someone, you cannot safely escape a moving vehicle at 80 miles an hour...and for that reason I promise to pull over to the side of the road at a rest stop, tractor trailer, fish-camp, gas station, sleazy hotel or other reasonable shelter before I set you and your 8-year old out of the car.
By signing below, you do adhere to the principals and policies set inside said binding agreement,
______________________ ________________________________________
Macaroni Wife MiniMac
