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Macaroni Dad

'Cause Dad's Love Macaroni, Too!

By Damon Paxton January 10, 2013
That Perfect Gift

About a week ago I stood in my driveway and smirked as I watched the man in the recycling truck struggle and herniate as he strained to pick up a giant, smashed cardboard box left over from Christmas.  He grabbed his back as he turned to me and said, “Good lord man, what on earth was in that giant box?”

“That, my friend, was my wife’s new toaster.”

Unfortunately after being together for 12 years the intelligible thoughts of that perfect gift that I used to know have morphed into something gas efficient, highly practical and often solar powered. Some husbands might make the mistake of getting their wife a clock, a vacuum, or even a beautifully crafted pen and pencil set engraved with her maiden name (been there), but years of experience and careful observation have taught me what it is my wife really needs, and how important it is to be romantic. 

Like most well prepared men shoppers, I found myself dashing into the store at 6 pm on Christmas Eve to start my Christmas shopping. I ran past the last-minute crazies fighting over jewelry, expensive hand bags and other ridiculous gifts, to the appliance aisle where I knew I was sure to find something wonderful for my special lady.  

My eyes scanned the shelves as I pictured our humble kitchen at home and wondered what magic appliance we were missing that I hadn’t already covered in a birthday, anniversary or Mother’s day. Bread machine? Did it. Ice cream maker? Have one. Professional Grade High Horsepower Super Mixer with all the attachments? Yikes - $300! And then there it was, warm and friendly, simple, yet vital - ready and waiting quietly as the last one of its kind on the shelf...my wife’s new toaster. I spotted it about the same time another clod did. Sorry father #2852, but my dive, tuck, and grapple along with Heisman style stiff arm declared me the victor. I sprinted off with the prize tucked under my arm and high-kneed my way to the checkout line.

Although the romance factor was about a 2, I was convinced and overwhelmed by the surge of practicality. I stood there in line evaluating my choice and thought back to our current $9 General Electric toaster that we’ve had since we were married and how the accumulation of bread crumbs over the years must now surely be a fire hazard that could combust at any moment. The bubbled paint and multicolored exterior, a result of carefully melting plastic bread bags over almost 10 years time, must surely emit a heinous and toxic residue each time my wife drops in a strudel or a tart. The black smoke that billows from the dual slots would soon no longer be summoning the local fire department each time my 7 year old craves a cinnamon raisin bagel. I nodded and smiled as I was certain this was the right choice.  

As men, we usually screw up important things like birthdays, anniversaries and Christmas. If there were 100 perfect gifts in a store that would warm the innards of my wife’s wonderful heart, I promise I could find the one thing she despised more than single-ply toilet paper, scary movies or curdled milk. This time, however, would be different for I knew I had found the perfect gift. I had even imagined how her face was going to light up as she ripped off the paper (in slow motion) and gazed at me with watery eyes before she jumped up and danced around the room holding up her newly acquired gift. I also imagined she would make a squealing-pig sound and run over to me while showering me in hugs and kisses. That didn’t exactly happen.

Although my wife was okay with the IDEA of a toaster, she apparently didn’t want my toaster. What she really wanted was the Ultra-Pro Bread Master’s Friend Super-Toast 10k. Yes...how could I have guessed? After we took my toaster back to the store we ordered the correct toaster online and a few days later the moving guys parked the new package in the driveway. When my wife opened the box, 100 white doves flew out, world hunger was momentarily satisfied and angels began to sing. Chris Hemsworth (wife’s boyfriend) roped in from a helicopter and gave a 2 day training class on how the Super-Toast 10k can all at once make 700 pieces of toast, soothe aching feet and incinerate garbage. Not only does it not fit in our kitchen, but it is currently parked in the driveway with a temporary Florida tag. After the wheels and the trailer hitch were removed, we plugged it in and saw a tiny mushroom cloud on the telephone pole where our transformer used to be.

If you ever sit up in bed some night and find yourself craving toast, look to the sky in the west and follow the warm glow...bring your bread...bring all of it.