articles

Macaroni Dad

'Cause Dads Love Macaroni, Too!

By Damon Paxton July 22, 2016
Husbands Gone Wild

I am not proud of everything I have done. Maybe even ashamed a little. This Tell Tale Heart is eating me alive and if I don’t come clean I fear I am going to go crazy.

I haven’t entirely behaved myself in your absence, dearest wife. I need to tell you now so you are not so shocked when you get home. True, I sadly waved goodbye to you just a week ago at the airport and swore my allegiance to you and the family; but now with only a few short days until your return, I fear I must be true with what I’ve done or it will be the end of all of us.

I can’t control myself any longer. I have been going hog wild. I haven’t been able to hold it together.

Yesterday, before bed, I left one of my shoes in the middle of the living room floor. Then I left the other shoe in the middle of another room. I took off my socks inside out, and in a ball, and then tossed them into the washing machine without turning them right side-out. I did a load of whites yesterday and tossed in a red sock because I am out of control and stuff. Also – and very importantly - all laundry is currently being done in the toilet because it’s easy and fast. There is rotating and spinning motion, soap, suds, air dry...you may be frowning, but it works better than you might realize. 

The big yellow dog has been sleeping on your favorite pillow and the little one has been balled up inside the pillow case. I let them do it because it makes them feel closer to you. Sometimes when I want to feel closer to you we dress up in your undergarments and walk around the block so the neighbors can wonder. 

All toilet seats are duct taped in the ‘UP’ position. Although initially thinking this was a great idea, it has proven to be an issue with needing to take a rapid #2. So yes, we have some cleaning up to do and it might happen or it might not. 

P.S. – Were you aware that we only had one roll of toilet paper when you left or is this some sort of test? I can pass this test in case you are wondering. We are wild and crazy. We don’t need any toilet paper around here. 

Dirty dishes have been meticulously cleaned by wet dog tongues and then put right back into the cupboards before they can air dry. We don’t eat with utensils any more. Wild husband eats out of a bowl like his canine companions and drinks from nearest bowl or toilet. 

There has been absolutely no time for bed making. After waking up in rebellious fashion we simply throw the covers back and set off to get into trouble. 

There is no time for booty scratching, but there has been plenty of time for booty-skootching across the carpet. It’s how we get things done around here, because we are out of control. Also see ‘P.S’ above regarding the absence of any and all toilet paper in the house. Yes, we have some carpet that needs to be cleaned. 

Why do I do it you ask? I do it because for a few more days I am actually the king of the castle. I do it because I can for just a short time more. But really, the truth is I also do it because my mind hasn’t been quite right since you left. Although it seems like husbands can function just fine without the things that matter most, this husband is on the verge of insanity because he misses his girls. Since I last saw my Macaroni Wife and my MiniMac walk down that airplane terminal at the airport I can’t help but think about the moment of getting to see you again. It makes my heart swell and my eyes well up with joy. 

Come home safely.

Big Love and Hugs: Pete, Onyx and your Mac Husband Gone Wild.