Dear Maker of the Whirly-Hoo-Ha-XLT5000...
When my wife and I initially purchased your impressively sparkling and shiny new washing machine, we were led to believe it would operate for longer than 5 years. We were told that the twin-turbo, 4 barrel, Quadmophonic spinning carriage built out of alloys and minerals (Amazingatite? Really?) from the same planet that Superman came from would create a sonic frequency bringing balance and magical unity to all mankind. We were told that when the soap went in and the drum began to spin the planets would align and impart a gentle clarity to people, animals and dinoflagellates everywhere. People would grab hands, form a human chain, and sway back and forth around the world while singing of robustly clean undergarments and socks at the top of their lungs. Soil, dirt, debris, encrusted residue and of course grass and blood stains would be fearful and lie dormant in shame. Sure it sounded like a lot to swallow at the time, but the sales guy kept smiling, nodding and pointing at knobs, and we were amazed at all the beeping and bright, colorful dials. When the sales ladies came out in stretchy leotards and started doing cartwheels down the aisles I was already sprinting towards checkout aisle #9 with my credit card in hand. Wow! I though...this sounds great! I smiled and closed my eyes while I played dreamlike scenarios of relatives and friends stopping over with armfuls of comforters, t-shirts and beach towels. We would jam everything in your miracle machine, add some soap and hit the “Go” button...finally there would be an end to pain, hunger and suffering. Clothes would come out brand new - fragrant, clean and crisp...mmmmmmmm.
Then your error codes started to disrupt the fabric of the cosmos...F12? F1? F11? F27? What?
What exactly is a Johnson valve anyway and how does it fit into the Capacitor of the central processing unit of the auto spin leveling mechanism?
I guess the issue here is that I am feeling a little silly. When I uttered the words, “for better or for worse” and “till death do us part,” I could see in the eyes of my wife and my wife’s family that I was being sized up based on the color of BMW she would drive and the type of washer and dryer we would have in our warm and humble home. I get it that the vehicle thing isn’t going so well, but now with your space age technology washing machine broken and the cost to fix it rivaling that of a 10-day Mediterranean cruise, I am beginning to wonder if this heap of useless metal would serve a more useful purpose as a boat anchor or ammunition for a giant catapult at the next Renaissance fair.
But for now...please send your repair man, Carlos, back out here so he can replace the Water Trickle Sensor and the Wet Moisture Meter and we will write him a check for twice what the machine is currently worth. 7 days is far too long to go without a washing machine.
Please hurry as I am wearing my wife’s underwear and they are very binding.
Very truly yours,
Mac Dad
