I Had A Dream...It was July 3rd
In my dream, I walked into my living room to kick-up my feet and put on a nice romantic movie next to my sweet macaroni wife but there, lounging on my couches and in my favorite easy chair, sat the founding fathers of our country. I didn’t recognize them at first so I took out different increments of currency to compare their likeness. Sure enough, right there in my living room sat George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, Ben Franklin and Abe Lincoln (ok, so Abe isn't exactly a founding father, but his face is on a bill so he was there, too). They were in agreement that they all needed a shave and a shower.
I introduced them to the soft bristled toothbrush and my daughter’s bubble gum flavored toothpaste and they stood side-by-side in my crowded bathroom and brushed for about 10 minutes. Afterwards I introduced them to manly scented shampoo and macho style body wash and showed them to the bathrooms in our house. Macaroni wife reminded me to tell them to put their dirty clothes in the hamper and wipe up the floor in the bathroom...they understood that this was one woman you didn’t want to aggravate and effectively they cleaned up after themselves and tossed their clothes into the washing machine.
Afterwards they squeezed into some of my t-shirts and shorts and suddenly looked more like Treasure Coast locals than founding fathers of our country. I taught them about deodorant and told them the chicks would dig it if they smelled good. They agreed and used an entire stick of my Old Spice. They moussed and styled their hair, doused themselves with cologne and tweezed excessive nose and brow hairs.
Smelling clean and fresh and ready to tackle the world we pulled a few Yuenglings and Sam Adams seasonal brews out of the refrigerator and got to work. I used television, placemats, internet, history books and, I sat them back down on the couches and detailed a quick history of what had happened in the past 240 years. I taught them about XBOX, the cooking channel and the Victoria Secret catalog. I showed them how to blow big bubbles and quizzed them on NFL team names. I taught them to high five, Riverdance and how to play beer pong. We laughed, we cried, we got late night tattoos and bonded as dudes often do.
We traded stories all night but were running out of drink. Since it was 3:00 am I loaded the fathers up in the wife’s minivan for a beer and snack run to Wal-Mart. At first it seemed like a good idea to show them the modern conveniences of shopping, but keeping Abe and Ben out of the video game area was worse than trying to get angry toddlers out of the candy aisle. We ended up jacking up a couple of my credit cards, but we came home with some really nice fishing poles, tires, flat screen televisions, boxer briefs and bicycles for everyone. We got more than enough Sam Adams to last through the next day and then grabbed a couple of taco packs from Taco Bell for dinner. The fathers could handle the Fire sauce but they weren’t ready for the Diablo.
We got home and I tucked them into their sleeping bags in the living room. I told them they needed to get some sleep because tomorrow was the 4th of July and we were going to road trip to Washington D.C.
“Why are we going to Washington D.C.?” Thomas asked.
“Because the Foo Fighters were going to play RFK stadium,” I said, “and we all have backstage passes to meet the band.” We might even get to come up on stage. The fathers were excited about this and they brushed their teeth again and then slumbered off like excited school girls at a slumber party.
On the way to D.C. we stopped and got our pictures taken at giant yarn balls, rivers, ravines, historic sites and retired battleships. The guys reminisced about important speeches, campaign trails and water crossings they remembered from years past. I took the guys on their first roller coaster ride and George barfed on some innocent bystanders. They thought root beer floats were the schizzle and pizza was a hit all the way around.
When we got to D.C. the whole scene was a little overwhelming for them. We had some trouble getting through security at the White House because nobody believed me when I told them I was hanging out with 5 of our countries coolest dudes. John chuckled about it and handed me another beer from the cooler. We spent extra time at the Washington Monument, and Lincoln and Jefferson memorials and I told them how I thought they had done a great job of building the framework and foundation for this country. I told them I was glad I lived here and although I look forward to visiting other places in the world, I am very proud to call America my home.
They said they were glad I had been there to give them a tour of the new United States. They told me when they first had the vision to start a new country, they wanted to do it so that everyone would be equal and that hard working men and women could pursue their dreams and make their own destiny. They acknowledged the challenges and the surprises of our young country that they may not have envisioned when we split from England so many years ago, but they thought we had all done a commendable job of building our country into something greater. Ben said the greatest thing about our United States is that the voice and the change and the power to make things happen truly does rest within the people.
Thomas put his hand on my shoulder, looked intently into my eyes and spoke in a presidential style voice. “Macaroni-Dad, any man and any woman that comes to this great country can be as much or as little as he or she wants to be. The issue is that we just need to realize how fortunate we are to be here and pursue our own dream of health, wealth and happiness. Remember – people around this world are giving their lives to bask in the freedom that so many here take for granted. Do not take it lightly...and don’t you waste this chance to do something great with this life of yours. Now...let’s get to that Foo Fighters concert!”
Suddenly I woke up...that hand on my shoulder was my beloved Macaroni Wife waking me, “Did you get a tattoo?!? Get Up! We need to get MiniMac to camp in 10 minutes - and why are there sleeping bags, bicycles and packages of red, white and blue boxer briefs in my van?”
